To Be With You - Complete
by Tiredwasyesterday07
Summary: In reviewing the show, especially season 10, I find myself wishing Harm would have been provided the ability and/or the opportunity to respond to Mac's "flashbacks" as shown in the episode "The Four Percent Solution".
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no infringement is intended.

Commentary: In reviewing the show, especially season 10, I find myself wishing Harm would have been provided the ability and/or the opportunity to respond to Mac's "flashbacks" as shown in the episode "The Four Percent Solution". I also find it interesting that the "flashbacks" were set 2 months before the day of her accident; the accident being December 24th (because while I'm iffy on ZULU time, there's no other reason for her to ask about the wall). And that makes the "flashbacks" from Dr. McCool's office taking place October 24th. One day before Harm's birthday.

Assumptions: Harm and Mac celebrate their birthdays together in some form – dinner perhaps. Let's assume that between receiving the devastating news about her inability to conceive, her session with Dr. McCool, and her insomnia that Mac is a little off kilter… Maybe even enough to believe it's October 24th instead of the 25th.

Also... Let's assume that since Harm's return to JAG post Paraguay (and post that awkward dinner with the CIA attorney), he has dealt with every woman who shows interest in him the same way he dealt with Megan Mansford- simply in that he doesn't shove them away if they kiss him but he's doesn't actively return it and manages to convince himself to walk away. (In truth and my opinion, he had to fight with himself a little too much to walk away in that episode. But he walked away so I'm not complaining... too much.)

\- Everything is fair game.

\- Hang in there. Conversations between these two are frankly rarely pretty.

To Be With You

Part 1

Mac. Every thing he did and every situation he entered was either related to or influenced by her and left his life either lonely, complicated or - as in recent years - both. Sometimes, generally actually, her influence showed in the choices he made regarding his love life, including the apparent lack thereof he'd been existing in for years. Sometimes, his antics or remarks - like the damn hole in the courtroom's ceiling he would never live down – were in direct response to her. Lately, though, his lonely and complicated life was the result of his desperate need to keep her both safe and in his life. It was this last desire that had spurred his action and why he, yet again, stood firmly holding the stock of a 9mm in his hands.

(Earlier)

Harm roamed his dark apartment. Alone. It was October 25th. "Happy birthday to me," he scoffed looking out his apartment window. Truthfully, he possessed no desire to celebrate his birthday. It would have been much easier- preferable even- to drown his sorrows surrounding the last few years in more than a few beers and pass out.

Watching a car pass by, he snorted and turned to his bookcase picking up a picture of him and his dad. "So much for this being the best year of my life… Starting our family. Damn five year plan." Tracing his fingers over the happy faces starring back at him, he returned the picture that as of now would never be replicated and walked the few steps to his couch falling into it.

Closing his eyes as his head feel back into the couch only worsened his mood. Images of his family, time and circumstances were successfully denying him, again fluttered through his mind's eye. The little girl with big brown eyes. The little boy running around in a Marine's uniform – leave it to his subconscious to possess a sense of humor. Mac – his wife – handing him another little pink bundle. The plaguing images were always the same – peaceful perfection – until reality shattered them.

No wife. No daughters. No sons. The grief associated with the losses of the latter two he was told to just accept. He didn't, not that it mattered. And acceptance of the first, well… He'd die first. One day, damn it, he'd bluntly tell her what he meant by "a part of your life".

Outwardly, he thought his day-to-day performance was award worthy. Smile. Joke. A few small descents into Mac's personal space attempting to gauge her mindset – to see if she was ready for all the information he'd gathered on endometriosis. Those instances were met with harsh failure but at least he'd managed to make sure no one else witnessed them. He wasn't permitted to discuss those faucets of their life – neither the avenues in which they could nor their inability to have children. Instead, he was told to ignore. Move on. Forget. Find someone else.

Today, he'd tried his best to smile. Bud had twisted his arm – on Harriet's behalf undoubtedly – and convinced him to agree to a belated Sunday birthday lunch. Mattie, thankfully, was with Tom - leaving only after being reassured that their "family" birthday celebration the day before had lifted his spirits, which had elicited yet another Oscar worthy performance. Trophy please.

Mac had disappeared early yesterday and hadn't returned to the office. No messages on any voicemail or E-mail led him to the conclusion that for the first time in nine years, she'd actually forgotten his birthday. He didn't truly begrudge her momentary lapse. He just missed her, and it was her missing presence that had prompted his semiconscious action and decision.

Shaking his head slowly from side to side, he tried in vain to remember the actual trip here. Truthfully, how it happened was of little consequence because it had undoubtedly happened. He was here, standing before her door, with enough Chinese takeout to feed them for a week, a cake and ice cream from the local grocery, and his favorite and her most loathed movie under his arm to celebrate in close to the same way they'd celebrated 8 out of 9 last years. Time could rob them of their biological children, but he refused to allow it to rob them of their future.

Taking a deep breath, he raised his hand to knock but before his hand could make contact, her sudden, muted screaming filtered through the door. Sliding his spare key in the lock, he burst into her apartment dropping everything in his wake, reached behind the armoire for her gun, and headed toward her screams. And this is how he found himself suddenly holding her kitchen door open with one hand and her gun firmly in the other watching as Mac screamed and ducked.

Sudden tears formed in his eyes as he bit his lower lip and fell against the door. Acknowledging she was no longer alone, she suddenly spun staying in her crouched position to face him. Her appearance made him bite his lip harder and his shoulders began to shake.

"Harm?!" she exclaimed as a blush raced up her neck. He gestured to her wordlessly. "What in the… what are you doing here?!" Crossing her arms across her chest as best she could, she glared awaiting his answer.

"You're ducking," he said gesturing to her position when words, broken with hearty laughter, finally escaped his mouth.

"Damn it, Harm. Marines take cover." She defensively stood up with her hands on her hips. "We don't du—," her words halted as she took a hit of soupy dough to her back.

Biting his bottom lip again in a feeble attempt to quell his laughter, he quickly sidestepped her, dodged a missile of batter, and lunged for the cord managing to successfully unplug the mixer ending its wrath. After a quick survey of the questionable butter batter and flour mess covering the cabinets, countertops, ceiling and walls, he slowly turned to face her. "Mac," he took a few tentative steps toward her and with his finger, gently removed a blob of batter from her cheek. "You're covered," was all he croaked out between snickers.

"I'm glad you find this funny." He raised both eyebrows remaining silent. "It's not funny." As he looked at her, his eyes grew larger and he pursed his lips trying to keep his laughter at bay.

"Mac, there's flour everywhere."

"Harm."

"And," he leaned and inspected her nose, "What is that butter covered in?" She wiped her nose with her hand.

"Laugh it up, sailor," she muttered rolling her eyes. He grinned.

In an attempt to remain clean, he carefully wrapped his arm around her shoulders and turned with her in a circle surveying the damage. Letting out a low whistle, he tried a serious tone. "I didn't know a mixer was capable of so much…" He stole a glance at her as a blob of buttery flour slid down her forehead from her hairline and dissolved in laughter. She pushed him away and then tried to wipe her face.

"Damn it, Harm." She grabbed a batter covered spoon from the countertop. "Stop laughing before I smack you with this spoon." He smirked.

"Just as you shouldn't bring a knife to a gun fight, neither should you bring a spoon, Jarhead." She squinted at him and he motioned to the gun in his right hand.

"You brought your gun to my apartment?"

"No. This is yours. Lifted it from behind the armoire." She squinted her eyes and tilted her head in confusion. He raised an eyebrow. "Before I could knock, you started screaming. I grabbed your gun and the rest is well..." he looked again at his surroundings, "probably inedible." She shook her head at the smile he shot her.

"Smartass." His smile got bigger.

"Admit it, I'm your hero." She rolled her eyes.

"Uh huh. Every marine's dream – to have a sailor for a hero."

"Not every Marines. Just yours." She raised her eyebrow mockingly.

"Uh huh." Motioning to the gun, she added, "Put it back where you found it."

"I would."

"But?" She questioned.

"I'd feel safer if you'd relinquish the spoon." She tightened her grip instead and smiled.

"It's a spoon, Harm. You act like it's a weapon."

"Anything in your hands is a weapon." She raised an eyebrow.

"Took you long enough to learn that."

"I mean look what you made that poor, innocent mixer do." She took a step toward him. "Mac…"

"Yes, Harm?"

"Don't do it. Hand the spoon over – nice and easy." She made a move to smack him with it but the buttery handle slipped out of her hands and it landed on the floor between them. She groaned; he smile. But his mocking "We don't throw thi-" was cut off when she smeared his cheek with a blob of batter from her shirt. He glared. "This is not how we treat heroes, Jarhead." She picked off another batter blob from her shirt, looked at him, and smiled innocently. "Maaac." She paused long enough for him to quickly side step her. As he headed out of her kitchen, she threw the blob in the trash and the spoon in the sink before following him.

"Is my door still on its hinges?" She inquired cheekily.

"Barely." He stowed the gun, shut the door, and walked back toward her. "What were you doing anyway? And why in the world do you own a mixer?"

"I bought it early this afternoon." She looked down at her the hem of her flour covered shirt with which her hands were playing. "I… I know you probably have plans for your birthday tomorrow with Alicia or Mattie." She sighed and missed his look of confusion. "Or both. But we always do something for our birthdays and I thought… Well, I thought I'd do something different this year," she shrugged and nervously gestured toward her kitchen, "and make your birthday cake. Bring it to the office tomorrow and that I could at least take you to lunch." He stood motionless with his hands on his hips squinting. Finding his scrutinizing gaze and silence unnerving, she re-crossed her arms across her chest. "What?" He tilted his head and his hand reached for her crossed arms.

"Mac?" She blew out a breath and took a step backwards looking away.

"What, Harm?"

"What is today?" She looked at him.

"October 24th." He shook his head at her and then stepped closer.

"Mac, are you okay?" She took another step backward and found herself against the wall.

"I'm fine, Harm. Quit looking at me like I should be committed. Today's the 24th. Why else would I be in there destroying my kitchen trying to make you a birthday cake?" His next step toward her nearly pinned her between him and the wall. Reaching out a hand, he gently cupped her cheek and rubbed his thumb under her eye revealing dark circles beneath layers of batter and foundation.

"Mac, you're exhausted. When did you last sleep?" She met his worried gaze.

"Last night." He raised an eye brow and her chin lifted in faked defiance.

"And before that, Mac?" She stepped to her right and then away from the wall when he dropped his hand. "Marine?"

"Harm, I'm fine. Quit cross-examining me." Again, she crossed her arms. She scanned the floor hoping that her defensive and evasive maneuvers would make his interrogation stop. She may have actually slept since her dealings with McCool yesterday. Was maybe even contemplating her "four percent return" on certain proposed but unlikely T bills. But she was nowhere near Harm battle ready. Spotting a pile of bags, she tried to change the subject. "What's that?" He turned glancing in the direction she pointed and then walked over to the bags haphazardly discarded on the floor. Squatting, he inspected them.

"This bag," he picked it up, "is our dinner. Chinese. This bag," he reseated the lid on the cake, "contains the ice cream and cake I picked up for dessert. And this," he reached for the movie, "is the action movie you loathe the most." He turned toward her with an uneasy half smile and slowly stood. His explanation only served to confuse her more. She wrinkled her brow.

"So we're celebrating your birthday early? I always take you out to a nice restaurant and buy dinner. One where you have to," she waived her hand at his attire, "wear a suit. And generally that blue tie I got you years ago. Did you not want to go this year? You should have said something. Told me we needed to celebrate early. I just assumed that... Nevermind. Alicia - Significant others…" he tried to interject but she kept rambling over him hugging herself, "change things." She clasped her hands in front of herself. "We can change things. No problem. But I will reimburse you." He gave her an appraising look but remained otherwise silent. "I am, Harm. I want the receipt and," she reached for the bags, "let's get this into the kitchen and the poor melted ice cream in the freezer."

Mutely, he followed her back into the kitchen. After she'd stowed the ice cream in the freezer and had arranged the Chinese containers on the only clean portion of the counter, he reached around her and took her hand turning her to face him. His close proximity caught her off guard, "Harm – what's wrong?" His grimaced half smile and sigh were her only immediate responses before he reached out and took her other hand as well.

"Mac," he inhaled deeply taking in her confused expression. "You came by my apartment on Wednesday to talk. You took most of Thursday and all of today off. Today, is Friday, October 25th." She went to break away from him and speak but he slightly tightened his grip on her hands. "Talk to me, Mac. Tell me what's wrong."

"Harm, I just came by to… I mean…" She stopped and squinted, "Today's really your birthday? Damn, how did I lose a day?"

"Dunno. Thought your clock was indestructible." She sighed and let her forehead come to rest on his chest covering his shirt in stickiness.

"Generally, insomnia doesn't short it out. I guess four days of no sleep was too much for it." She looked down briefly only to meet his troubled gaze when she tilted her head and looked up. "I'm fine, honest." Her attempt at reassurance fell on deaf ears.

"No, you aren't." She sighed.

"Harm…I'm..." she blew out a breath, "Just contemplating returns on improbable T bills while leaving the lights on. Definite improvement on a few days ago." Confusion flooded his face and she sighed again. "Honestly, Harm – a little more sleep and I'll be fine." Still holding her in place, he shook his head. He refused to buy it.

"This is not you being fine, Mac," he gently said squeezing her hands. "Not even remotely fine. Rampant insomnia is not fine. Shutting me out is not fine. Not talking to me is not fine. Not eating is not fine. Disappearing on me is not…" She cut him off.

"I get the picture, Harm. But honestly what do you expect? Life hasn't been pleasant. I'm dealing the best…" It was his turn to cut her off.

"No, you aren't. You deal best by getting pissed and yelling at me. Then you calm down. We talk while I feed you. Then you generally take a nap while we watch a movie." Trying to tamp down her anger, she shook her head. His brow furrowed. "It's how things work. Even when we try to deal differently - ignore them, ignore each other - it blows up in our faces one way or another at some point and the routine starts again." She glared.

"I don't want to have this conversation."

"What conversation is that?" She gave him a pointed look.

"You know what conversation, Harm." He sighed.

"Well, not having this conversation isn't getting us anywhere, Mac."

"You said you'd give me time to think. To come to you when I was ready to talk."

"I did. And you did come to me because there's nothing else in my neighborhood that would have brought you by. You were ready to have this conversation. So what's changed, Mac?" He felt her tense.

"Everything."

"Mac -" she cut him off.

"No, Harm. No. I," she pulled her hands away and her finger hit him in the chest, "came to your door when I needed to talk. When I was ready to talk. At my wits end. I came when I needed you more than I needed air to breathe. Know what I found? Alicia. Was I," she glared at him, "supposed to talk to your new girlfriend about my inability to function in my life?"

"Mac-"

"No. Of course not. That might have spoiled your evening. Maybe the chat could have about MY INABILITY TO HAVE OUR CHILD!"


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: I had the next part finished so thought I'd go ahead and post it. Thanks for the reviews! They're greatly appreciated!

Part 2

His shock allowed her three quick steps away from him before automatic reflexes commanded his hand to grab her arm. Gently stopping her, he tried to turn her around. "No, Harm. No. I know I showed up at your door too late again. I'm not angry with you for moving on... You just have no idea how much it hurts to know that after all this time... what I wanted..." she shakily exhaled, "that I can't give you what you want most," she turned to look at him and he saw her unshed tears threatening to fall. "I want you to find someone who can. I promise," she cleared her throat and continued quietly, "promise to always be your friend. Not sure I can bring myself to watch you create a life and a family with someone else." Her head bowed defeated. "But if Alicia, or whoever, makes you happy, I'll try."

He stared at her in disbelief. Finally, he lifted her chin making her meet his gaze.

"I told you once what I wanted most... I never wanted to lose you and, frankly, now I refuse to," came his quiet response. She closed her eyes.

"You're not going to lose me. I may transfer but if you need..." He cut her off.

"I didn't and don't mean lose you as my friend, Mac. Or as a co-worker for that matter." She rubbed her forehead with her free hand and turned away. She didn't want a repeat of what she'd dubbed the "Failed Porch Plea Negotiation".

"Let's put that on the list of top things you probably should avoid saying to your girlfriend." He clinched his jaw again and took the steps necessary to come face to face with her again.

"Alright, Colonel. We're going to set one thing straight. Then you're going to get a shower so you are no longer sticky." She set her jaw, squared her shoulders, and glared at him. "Understood?"

"Well, by all means Commander," she growled no longer attempting to hide her caustic, sarcastic tone, "state your case."

"You," he pointed accusingly at her, "assume that because you found Alicia at my apartment one evening, I was acting on interest in her that you assume I had. You didn't ask me. Probably," he crossed his arms, "because you were afraid that I would validate your fears." He silenced her with an up turned hand and the look he earned in response made him swallow hard. "I didn't invite you in before turning off the stove. That was my mistake- a mistake that I tried to remedy by following you out after I made sure the casserole didn't burn. You were already gone. And I tried to address and correct it with my phone calls that went unanswered. Had you have accepted Alicia's invitation, you would have found the dining area littered with Wainwright's case file and a laptop with an outlined summary on how to teach the case in the Trial Practice course Professor Montez is teaching spring semester." She shifted her stance and looked at a distant point between his shoulder and ear.

Reaching for her hand and finding no resistance, he continued in a softened tone. "Remember coming into my office and me introducing you to her?" He shook her hand in a silent request for her to meet his gaze. With a sigh, she acquiesced and her eyes met his anxious gaze. "Remember?" She nodded. "What did she say to you?" She just looked at him.

"I don't remember." He raised his eyebrow.

"Mac." She shifted her weight between her feet and dropped her shoulders lowering her gaze to his chest.

"Fine. I believe," she cocked her head to the side and brought her eyes back to his finding his increasing anxiety shinning back at her. She cleared her throat, "I believe her response to my statement regarding her published paper was 'Ah, so you're the one'." He nodded.

"She wasn't referring to your comment about her paper or even the fact that you had read her paper. She was referring to you." Her brow knitted producing a look between confusion and impatience.

"English, Harm." He rocked back on his heels and looked down.

"She kissed me. When I-" she pulled her hand free and cut him off.

"No. Just stop. I have no desire to hear about your fling." He squinted.

"There wasn't a fling, Mac."

"Really." She said in a disbelieving tone and raised an eyebrow. He crossed his arms.

"If you'd let me finish-."

"By all means."

"She kissed me over dinner during the trial."

"Here we go." She said with exasperation accompanied with an eye roll and turned walking away from him. He merely raised an eyebrow.

"When I didn't return her kiss, she pulled back, apologized and said that since she didn't see a ring and I was there, she'd simply assumed I was single." He paused; she was silent for a beat.

"Well," she said quietly, turning around but not meeting his gaze, "you are." He tilted his head squinting at her before offering a barely noticeable shake of his head.

"Apparently, she thought discussing the case over dinner constituted a date. Who knew? I mean if that's how the attorney dating scene works, we've been dating for an awfully long time, Mac." He paused briefly and she gave him a soft, half smile. "Anyway, I laughed and told her that I was, indeed, not single." He held up a hand stopping her comment, "I'm not. It took me a long time to realize you can't be truly single if you aren't also available. Truthfully, I haven't been "single" in a long time because I'm only available if your name is Sarah Mackenzie. You. Only you..." Seeing her sudden wide eye expression, he let out a small chuckle and shook his head. "That really shouldn't surprise you. I told you at the Admiral's dining out that I wanted to be a part of your life. That I would always be here. It's the truth and, frankly, we need to have a little faith in each other and quit assuming someone is ever going to permanently wedge themselves between us. Many have tried. All have failed. It just isn't going to happen." She fixed him with a stunned, yet assessing look. He reached for and then squeezed her hand, "You disagree?"

"To?" she offered in a whisper still digesting his words.

"Any thing I said." She looked passed his shoulder.

"So you're saying that just because no one sticks around, we're doomed to live out the entirety of our days simply stuck with one another?" She scrunched her nose crossing her arms. He shook his head putting his hands on his hips.

"Apparently, I need to call Bethesda and schedule you a hearing test." She raised her eyebrow. "That was neither what I said nor what I meant and you know it."

"Do I? How about, for once, you bluntly tell me what you actually want from me." He looked around her kitchen.

"What I want doesn't matter if…" She interrupted him.

"That's enough. Tell me what the hell it is you want from me, Harm." He raised an eyebrow but she continued. "Bluntly. Plain English, Commander." Crossing his arms, he backed away from her a few steps and turned from her to again inspect the batter minefield covering her kitchen in silence. He walked toward the food containers on the counter and placed them in the refrigerator. As the door shut, he heard her deeply sigh, "Harm look. I…" He shook his head and turned raising his hands.

"Mac, I've always assumed you knew where I stood. I like to think my actions speak for themselves. But..." She again started to speak and he just shook his head and continued quietly. "But we're at that point again… Crossroads really. We were here in Sydney. We were here right before the Singer thing blew up. We were here before you walked out of my door for Paraguay. ... Right here in that damn stifling hotel room." He put his hands on his hips and looked at the floor. "I hate that this dance we seem to be engaged in continues to bring us to this place. I hate this place and I never want to be here again." Raising his gaze, he was met with a fear in her eyes he'd never seen.

"Harm, I didn't mean to…" She began to plead but he shook his head and gave her a half smile.

"You did. That's okay. You wanted blunt, right? Stated intentions, if I remember correctly, with follow through." She bit her lip. He took a deep breath and reached for her hand. "I want you, Mac. As you are. For the rest of my life." He had to strain to hear her whispered reply.

"But Harm, I can't fulfill our deal." He sighed.

"This is one of those times I wish I had never made that damn deal." Her eyes shot up and her body assume a defensive posture.

Her "Excuse me?" came out with venom.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note:. The things you can do when you download Office to your phone… The reviews are so very kind and awesome. Steamboat – you made me laugh really hard with your second one. (Oh and regarding your first comment- If there's a specific problem you're seeing, shoot me a message. )

Cleaned this one up and thought I'd post. As always, let me know what you think!

As always, all mistakes are mine (or a result of autocorrect being "super" helpful). I own nothing and no infringement is intended.

(Last line of Part 2)

Her "Excuse me?" came out with venom.

Part 3:

He simply held up his hands.

"That deal has haunted us since its conception." She tried to interrupt but he waved her off. "I made that deal. I set the parameters and you have no idea how many times I've kicked myself for saying five years - even before your diagnosis. Five was too damn long. I know I wasn't ready in Sydney and that seemed to create this... Idea in your mind that our deal was my back up plan. When in fact... In truth..."

"Harm, don't say something you can't..."

"It was my plan. The only way I saw or see my future." He bowed his head with his hands once again going to his hips. "Our plan... deal... was never about kids - never just about kids. And I know if you look solely at the words of the deal," he let out a light laugh, "Actually, the words left out a lot. I mean," he met her gaze, " 'go halves on a kid' - just how exactly was that supposed to happen?" She laughed and rubbed a hand over her slowly blushing face but remained silent. He continued when she meet his eyes. "Mac, I wasn't ready in Sydney because I wasn't ready to give up my flight status."

"I don't recall asking you to let go of your wings." She raised an eyebrow and he mirrored her look.

"So you were only asking for one night- a casual fling, Mac?" She crossed her arms.

"I didn't say that."

"Good because you won't and wouldn't have gotten it." He again waved off her comment. "Work makes us having a serious, romantic relationship complicated because however you play it out, it ends only one way- marriage. Marriage means reassignment for at least one of us. But for me, it really means giving up my flight status. That's the reason why I wasn't ready in Sydney. I was, though, ready when I asked you if you wanted to move up the timetable. I was also nervous, which is why I didn't push you for an actual answer." She started moving slowly toward him with her arms remaining around her torso. He met her eyes.

"You have no idea how much I wanted that timetable moved up. You just had the wrong reason." She gave him a half smile. "That said, I don't like it when you fly, Harm. But I would and will never ask or expect you to give up your wings. They mean too much to you." He gave her a slight smile.

"You don't get a vote, Marine."

"I would think the discussion would-" he cut her off with a shake off her head.

"No. We're military and things can always happen. But my declining to continue active flight status is non-negotiable. I will do my damnedest not to do to you what Dad did to Mom. I promised you I would always be here for you. And I will be or I'll die trying to be." The last part was whispered in her ear as his arms enclosed her. She let her head fall onto his chest.

"We're all human," she said quietly. "No one knows the extent of what he endured." He let his chin rest on top of her head.

"The military side of me knows and accepts that. It's the son, who has spent his entire life being compared to the man and repeatedly told he's the exact same in every way, that can't seem to forgive or accept."

"And Sergei?" He sighed.

"He's my family. A blameless child whose name you still can't mention to my mother." She nodded and gave him a light squeeze. After a few minutes of their silent embrace, he cleared his throat. "You know, I've done my fair share of being blunt tonight. What about you, Mac? What do you want from me?" She laughed.

"That's a loaded question, Sailor," she quietly stated remaining in his arms.

"Okay. Start simple." He nudge her head and she slowly moved her head off his chest to meet his eyes "Do you love me?" She offered him a slight smile and narrowed her eyes.

"I told Sturgis I was in love with you a few years ago and then I threatened his life so he wouldn't tell you." He shook his head.

"Are you still?" She raised an eyebrow. He cleared his throat, "I mean now. Are you now?"

"No damning of Sturgis?" He narrowed his eyes.

"Later. Answer the question." She laughed and returned her head to his chest.

"I've tried to unlove you, Harm. Tried to force myself not to want to need you. Tried to force myself to love the one I was with because I couldn't have the one I loved. The question was appropriately worded the first time. And the answer is yes."

"But?" She sighed and stepped out of his embraced and turned from him walking a few steps away.

"But I don't want you to give up on the idea of children, Harm. You-". He cut her off.

"You don't want me to give up on children?" She shook her head no and turned to face him. He reached out a hand to her and took a step toward her. "Then don't let me, Mac. Fight with me. Let's determine our viable options and create our family." She looked at him then his hand and brought her arms around her torso.

"I had an appointment yesterday... Follow up really." He took another step toward her.

"You were supposed to tell me when those were so I could go with you, Mac."

"Yeah, well... You didn't make this one for me. And at the time, well, you seemed otherwise occupied." He raised an eyebrow.

"One of the dumbest things you've said to me in nine years." She momentarily glared at him.

"Anyway," she rubbed her arms, "according to the doctor my odds for getting pregnant... Carrying a child... You name it... Are less than five percent. According to her, everything is compromised." She saw him nod slowly as he processed.

"Okay. And as I've said before - that still doesn't change things." She leaned back against the countertop and shook her head in defeat.

"I honestly don't understand how it can't."


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Next installment. I greatly appreciate the reviews. As always, let me know what you think!

All mistakes are mine… I own nothing and no infringement is intended.

Part 4

"Tell me," he took a few more steps and used his outreached hands to cup her jaw once close, "Mac?" She looked up. "You do realize that if you would have told me you wanted the timetable moved up, we would have been married for a few years by now, right?" She gave him a slight nod. "And we'd have found out about your endometriosis after said marriage." Again, she nodded. "So what do you think I would have done?" She just looked away. "Mac?" When her eyes met his, he found nothing in them but uncertainty and sorrow.

"You," she said quietly, "would have been miserable... aggrieved..." She dropped her eyes and when they returned to his face, a glistening sheen covered them. "But mostly," she cleared her throat, "resentful."

"Mac..." The pad of his thumb wiped away the few escaped tears. "I would never..."

"As for what you'd do," she continued over him and bit her bottom lip, taking a deep breath, "I dunno." He searched her face and finally he drew his own conclusion on her thoughts and dropped his hand and gaze.

"You think I'd leave." he took a few steps back and the look on his face flashed through emotions until finally settling on shocked incredulity, "You actually think I'd leave you?"

"Harm, I never...". He ignored her.

"Of course you do." He turned his back to her and after dragging a hand over his face, his head bowed and his hand went to his waist. "Hell, I've already left you once and abandoned you once." She sighed and shook her head at the broad back that faced her.

"You know," she looked toward the ceiling, "I was asked recently - yesterday actually - if I thought you'd ever abandon me." He turned slowly to face her and raised an eyebrow.

"Who would ask you that?". She shifted uncomfortably.

"Psychologist... Therapist. Whatever you want to call her." Surprise joined the confusion on his face.

"Therapy? I don't remember you saying anything. When did that happen?" She offered a self conscious laugh.

"Yesterday. Apparently."

"I drove you to therapy?" He asked in a voice layer with bewilderment and apprehension.

"Well, Wednesday definitely didn't help matters but it, alone, wasn't the catalyst. Honestly, I probably should have gone years ago... Or at least around the time you told me to deal with my father issues or I would continue to walk away from every man who told me I was worth something." He grimaced.

"I really need to work on my wording and delivery."

"Maybe. But you tend to dish out the truth, even when the truth is... Ugly.

She shrugged. "I do, however, appreciate that the first words out of your mouth weren't 'I told you so' or 'about damn time'." He merely shook his head at her. "Anyways, she asked and I said.." He sighed and again turned away from her.

"You listed off my return to carrier duty and life post Paraguay as proof that I would." She stared at his back simply shaking her head and then with a deep breath closed the distance. She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his back. The sudden, unexpected contact caused him to tense.

"I said you never would." He started to reply but the shake of her head against his back halted his words. "You didn't leave me to fly. I won't argue that at the time it sure felt like you were leaving me. If forced to discuss it, and I was on many occasions, I defended your choice and said that we'd see you once your 6 month tour was up... We just wouldn't hear from you much until then. And that you had to willingly end that chapter of your life." He slowly turned allowing her arms to slide freely around his waist. She looked up with a raised eyebrow when they were finally face to face. "Didn't like it. Felt left behind. But that wasn't your intent. And at that time, I guess I wasn't really yours to leave."

"You defended me?" He raised both eyebrows. She rolled her eyes.

"I'll always defend you in public."

"And face to face, behind closed doors?"

"I try to make you see reason. Rarely works." He gave a light laugh. "As for," she paused as if looking for the right words. "As for the aftermath of our South American vacation," she shook her head and dropped her eyes to his chest, "we had a shitty conversation mostly driven by frustration, poor communication and horrible circumstances. We... I reached a conclusion that even I at the time knew was false... wrong... But when you didn't fight me on it... I quit trying to tell myself I was wrong. And for the first time since the rose garden, we attempted to let each other go." As she sought his gaze, he looked away.

"So that's why you ended up with Webb?"


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing. No infringement is intended.

Author's note: Sorry it took so long! Let me know what'cha think! 😊

Chapter 5

"So that's why you ended up with Webb?" His words were surprisingly free of any hidden malice. She gave him a measured look and held his gaze.

"If I answer you swearing complete honesty, are you going to actually listen to me and hear me out? Or ignore me and cling to your errant assumptions?" She felt him tense but neither made a move to create physical distance from the other.

"I promise to try to listen. " She nodded.

"Webb was nothing more than a good friend before Sadik's stateside visit. Claiming that simply meeting him for dinner was a date fell wonderfully into the "couple" cover story I was still operating under. It also gave me the occasional reminder that you weren't happy about the situation... That maybe you were still somewhat interested." She saw his jaw work as he worked to keep his temper under control. He cleared his throat.

"Mac, you said you had a date with him that Christmas. It was why you left Mattie and me."

"That was what I said. It was a lie."

"But why? What did you gain by lying and going home alone?" As he finally made eye contact with her, the look he found on her face was asking if he really wanted the truth. He sighed. "Truth, marine." Her eyebrow raised.

"Truth is that was a tough time for us. Had I have told you I was simply going home to drown myself in a crappy movie, ice cream, and tears, you'd have refuse to let me go. I didn't want to intrude. And frankly, I was still hurt and pissed with you from the argument the night before the custody hearing." He shifted his weight.

"I shouldn't have said what I did. And you shouldn't have lied."

"You were angry. I just didn't realize how angry you still were until that point. While I understood your lashing out… that doesn't mean you didn't leave and open some preexisting wounds. And maybe not… but it was easier at that point." He offered a slight nod before furrowing his brow.

"Why, though? Why after Sadik's Washington visit? I was back. We were doing better. If you didn't really mean "never", why Webb? Why then? That makes absolutely no sense." She bowed her head and sighed.

"Webb was a means to an end. Nothing more. Nothing less."

"I don't understand what that means, Mac." She bit her bottom lip and then raised her eyes to his.

"The run in with Sadik started a downward spiral." She shifted her weight and then met his gaze while chewing her bottom lip. She felt the tension building inside of her and felt him physically pull her closer. "Harm.. Everything I had endured since Paraguay began… Every inflicted hurt... The anger I had toward you with the Singer debacle... It all came to a head. Have you ever..." She tried to break away to pace but he held her in place. "Have you ever felt completely self destructive? Combustible. Where you... You want to… no… where you need to destroy everything good in your life? To let yourself completely spin out of control without any safety net and self inflict as much pain as you can because you want to be the one destroying yourself for a change? Where you take pleasure in watching your "squared away" self being destroyed… your soul ripped into shreds by your own two hands? Where you feel like destroying every last good thing in your life is the only way to stop your downward spiral into the depths of Hell?"

"Mac..." She shook her head.

"Webb to a point embraced my destructiveness. He played a vital role in it really. He'd let me spiral down just enough. Enough to temporarily satiate my need to self destruct while not completely destroying my ability to put on my uniform the next day. And he was drinking every thing in sight back then. And I knew that all I had to do was kiss him to get a taste alcohol." She felt him tense and looked up at him. Then she offered a faint smile. "Making a mental note to pour what little alcohol you own down the drain and never drink in my presence again?" His gaze roamed her face.

"Maybe. Mostly kicking myself for not noticing. I should have noticed. Should have stopped you. That's my job."

"You weren't suppose to notice. I realized after I made the comment about you fighting to bring people in and then losing interest that I had to reel myself in around you. It wouldn't have taken many more comments like that for you to either start punching back or call my bluff. I didn't want to be stopped. And I didn't want to hurt you anymore or be hurt by you anymore so... I kept you a little farther than arms length."

"I still should have known. I should have intervened. Should have noticed… I'm sorry I failed to catch you, Mac." He brushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear. She shook her head.

"But Harm you did catch me when things started to get bad. It didn't matter how far I shoved you away… how callous I was. You still stopped me. If I remember correctly, you found the truth instead of following my thought pattern and blaming the pregnant wife. You intervened, righted me. Saved me from making a mockery of my career. And then I slipped back. Was a pattern. Until Tanveer asked if I was still playing the role of Webb's wife. Then I started to assess things... The so called relationship and how it was really nothing more than a means to an end. Among other things. It's been a long, grueling inward study that in combination with health issues," she shook her head and gave him a self depreciating look, "has me seeking therapy." He nodded.

"I don't like it. But I can understand it." She offered a faint smile.

"That's progress for us." He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, back on subject. As I said, you've never abandoned me."

"Mac, I disappeared from the face of the Earth for 6 months. I never returned any of your calls. If basically walking out of your life for that long without returning any attempt at contact isn't abandoning you and what was left of our friendship, I don't know what would be."


	6. Chapter 6

In which it copies correctly!

Sorry! Here's the final chapter!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. No infringement is intended.

All mistakes are mine and autocorrect. Reviews always welcomed! ?

End of Part 5:

"Mac, I disappeared from the face of the Earth for 6 months. I never returned any of your calls. If basically walking out of your life for that long without returning any attempt at contact isn't abandoning you and what was left of our friendship, I don't know what would be."

Part 6:

She moved her hands to his cheek and sighed. "Harm, I've been abandoned before. Deann. I did nothing wrong and yet my mother abandoned me. Ran off to who knows where. For decades, she willingly disappeared from my life. Poof. She had no regard for my well-being. ... For my life."

"Mac." She passed a finger over his lips silencing him.

"Did you listen to my voicemails?". He bowed his head and nodded once. "Did I ever once say I needed help?" He shook his head.

"You never once said you weren't okay. That you needed me. Mac, if you had, I would have been at your door at the first available opportunity. I may not have been happy about it but. ..." She smiled.

"You would have been there. I know. That's why you never abandoned me. You were angry. Pissed. Royally pissed. But. If I needed you, you'd be there. I never doubted that. Never." His face creased in confusion.

"Then I'm confused because you said." She stopped him.

"I said I didn't know what you would do if we had discovered my endometriosis after marriage. But I know you wouldn't do that." He matched her smirk.

"Sneaky." She offered a small laugh and settled into his embrace with her head resting on his chest. After a few minutes, she spoke.

"But we do know about it." She sighed. "You deserve children - the chance to be a dad. And biologically, you chances are less than 5% with me. I'm damaged goods, Harm. You deserve better." He raised her chin so their eyes met.

"I deserve to be with the woman I love. I deserve to be happy." A lone tear fell from her eye.

"I know and that's why I'm -" His placed his finger over her lips silencing her words.

"I love you, Mac. I want you. Only you. You want me happy - then you're going to have to give us a chance."

"I won't survive if we fail." He smiled.

"Together, we've never failed, Mac." The fear and worry raged in her eyes then gave way to hesitation.

"You should really give it some thought, Harm." He sighed and leaned back to look at her.

"Nine years is enough consideration."

"Subtract the, 'Diane lookalike is all I see' years." He raised an eyebrow.

"Eight and a half years is enough time for thorough consideration, marine. Have faith in me. In us. Take the leap, Mac." She raised her own eyebrow.

"Is that a proposal?" He looked around and then laughed.

"I don't make proposals in confines smeared with sticky, indiscernible batter flung everywhere." She looked at her forgotten surroundings.

"No, I guess not." Her voice took on a slightly defeated tone. "What kind of story would that make?". Putting his hand on her chin, he redirected her face to his.

"Consider it a promise." She smiled.

"Don't make a promise you can't keep." His face broke into the smile she had always loved.

"Haven't yet." She raised an eyebrow, smile firmly in place.

"That's a nice smile you have." His eyebrow raised in response.

"So you've said. But will it get me what I want?" Her hand cupped his cheek.

"Say it again." He pulled her close.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." His smile went up in wattage.

"All I ever wanted..."

"Was?"

"To hear those words and to be with you."

Their kiss was filled with love, hope, and the promise of a future. As for the kitchen disaster, cleanup was left for another day.


End file.
